Sunday, May 15, 2005

Confession II, or Don't Interupt Me, I'm Busy Surviving

I still don't like living with my daughter, but at least it's somewhat calm these days. I have a nasty spring cold so I can't do much yelling.

In my childhood home growing up didn't really happen. You were too busy surviving. You couldn't be a teenager much less a teenager with angst. I didn't learn any parenting skills from my parents; they didn't have any. I am having to learn from scratch, from my daughter's therapist. Note to self: send her name to the new Pope as a nominee for sainthood.

Tonight was awful. Despite all my good intentions I yelled at her yet again. I told her I lived with a pig. REALLY helpful. I am so ill equipped to be a parent and I get to a point where I can't stand it or her or the overwhelming responsibilities, or something. I am not excusing myself. I can do a lot better. Who's the child in our house, me or her?

Some days I just want someone else to take over and do everything for me. It's really difficult for me to stop and breathe when there is so much riding on my shoulders (including my perfectionist Mom).

I want so much to give up that backpack of stones. I don't want my daughter to turn away from me like I did with my mother.

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

Confession I

I confess. I intensely dislike living with my daughter right now. She is relentless. She has an excuse for EVERYTHING. Then there's her petry dish of a bedroom.

Yes, I know, I am supposed to be the adult. Well I don't FEEL like the adult. What I FEEL like is erecting a tent in Central Park and moving her into it! I wouldn't be completely heartless: I'd give her tools to forage.

Most of the time I wonder how in the blue blazes I am going to get through the next few years with her. She's 13 now and I am counting down the days until she leaves for college.

It gets pretty dicey in our home sometimes. It's just the 2 of us. She's starting her womanhood and mine is ending. It's like 2 cats with backs arched, fur flying and hissing.

My favorite line about parenthood is from the movie "Parenthood" when one of the characters says you have to have a license to drive, even a license to fish, but they'll let any butt reaming asshole have a kid. Crude, but true. NO ONE tells you how awful it is being a parent. They want you to believe there's no greater joy. Well if you've got support from a spouse or family in the immediate area, or you don't have to work while you're raising your child or be the sole provider, then, yes, I suppose your experience could be more tender.

Being a single mother isn't fun, it isn't easy and many times I wish someone else would take over. I am not bitter, just tired. And I'd like to have a life.